Sad

 

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Depression, showing up to rain on me again. This time of year it seems to show up right one time. There has been a few things that may have triggered it, but I won’t go into that. It’s just too personal to put out there in public. When I’m feeling manic and overly confident I don’t mind sharing too much and than when I feeling down or depressed like I am right now I tend to regret everything I put out there and feel embarrassed and ashamed. The joys of living with bipolar disorder. Last year around this time I was so depressed I could barely move. It was much worse than it is right now. I was a stay at home mom taking care of my son and trying to keep my head above water through out the day and now a year later my life looks completely different. Now unexpectedly I’m a single mom barely making rent working full time cutting hair again (when I said I’d never cut hair again in my life) Barely having time for anything, but work sleep, eat, and repeat. I don’t really feel like I’m living. Is it the work, or is it just my depression paying me a visit again and throwing me off? Maybe a little bit of both. Since no matter what I may be doing I just might be feeling this way right on schedule. During the dry long winter in our high desert and the dead looking scenery.  I’ve been stress eating, I’ve gained and I feel bad about my body. I haven’t had the energy to work out. All my energy goes into a job I really don’t like. What I really want to do is write all day and get paid for it. Maybe I should just keep dreaming. My blog and website is called heartfuldreamer for a reason. My head is always in the clouds.

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How did I get here? How did I end up all alone? I have my son and I love that, but at the same time I’ve never felt so alone in my life. There is the depression speaking again. I know I’m not really alone. I could reach out to people at anytime, but that’s the thing about depression it strips your desire to reach out and connect, it also fouls you into thinking your truly alone, and truly I feel very alone in this moment. I mean I am always the one that reaches out to people. If I waited on someone to call me, even just to check in and make sure I’m still breathing..would my phone ever ring or would I be sitting all day holding my breath? You tell me..do you even give a shit or am I expecting too much again?

How unlovable I feel in this moment.

There is the depression speaking through me again. Sucking my life away and draining my light. I’ve had a bad cold for over a week now. My throat hurts and my eyes burn. I can barely swallow. All I want to do is feel better, physically and now mentally.  I have a so-called sponsor in a 12 step program, but she can’t even seem to find the time to speak to me or meet with me. Looks like I’ll me shopping for a new sponsor. I guess when it rains it pours and that is life. I love my support groups, but work literarily takes all my energy and I really have nothing more left after work. That’s how drained I am after cutting hair. It’s not an easy job and that paired with being an introvert. Introvert hair stylist, very odd combo. I am so done with people by the end of the day I could scream, That is why becoming a full time writer and getting paid for it would be an absolute dream for this introvert gal.  I really do like people and care about them, but I get very burt out and my passion for people goes right out the window when I’m forced to face them over and over again so quickly and close together.

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I feel like a trapped bird chained to my hair station. It’s stuffy and hot and all I want to do is fly out the window spread my wings and fly far, far away never to return. All my life I have had a freedom seeker personality and all my life I have put myself in situations where I feel trapped. It doesn’t make sense yet I see myself doing it over and over again and dreaming for a way out, but not knowing really how to achieve it or make it a reality in my world.

 

-Alisia

 

 

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