Inside

master-your-mindIf I could get inside your mind what would I see?

If you could get inside of mine how would it be?

Is it safe to tell you my story…

To let you dig deep and see inside where lies the ugly, gory, wicked yet divine, multifaceted sides of me..

Or should I continue to run in circles in your pointless fake persona of what you think a woman should be?

He turned a way from God years ago..

As I look into your eyes I see the pain inside you think you hide so very well, but dear you’re translucent and that’s without a doubt!

You think your shutting it down and blocking me out, but I see it all.

I see all your suppressed emotions bleeding out. You are making a mess and I am left to clean it up again.

And if you ask him he would say the same about me, maybe that I’m an emotional wreck that made him crazy. Triggered his madness.

Sometimes those emotions come out to play in a way I can not contain…

Oops, I lit the match again, unintentionally I pretend.

And his fire has exploded all over the room. He blows fire at me and I hide like a little mouse pretending I had nothing to do with his reaction. I am silent as I watch the destruction we have created together.

slowly it passes as I clean up the broken pieces on the floor once more..and he walks into the bedroom, leaving me alone with our wounded hearts exploded on the floor.

I feel empty inside in that moment.

I ask myself, “How much more can I take?”

I LOST MYSELF AND SO DID HE AND IT’S ONLY BEEN FOUR YEARS…

He sits in front of the computer, back turned away from me as I gaze into my phone…

This doesn’t feel like home.

I am alone.

Like a sore that won’t heal I keep scratching, refusing to leave it alone and let go of my past once and for all…

If I could see inside your mind what would I find?

Would you like me to fix your broken pieces?

Would you want me to be your next?

If you opened up my soul would you be scared to have a tour?

Can you afford the toll and all the duties done that a man might be expected to do and be?

Soooooooo…..I unconsciously opened up my heart letting you in, back in 2013.

Standing before you I let you see my deepest scares, and touch my darkest parts only to have you use it all against me four years later

So now I am so far

And far away from you I’ll stay.

You cursed my every day with your broken promises.

When you told me you trusted and loved EVERY part of me..

You lied

Because you could not love the ugly and the dark side of me.

You told me I was perfect at the start, everywhere we went you told them, “That’s the love of my life.”

You promised a future

You promised I’d be your wife

Years later I sit in a silent room with you, craving connection and love as you take me for granted.

As I stood lonely in my depression, you told me to go away.

“I need my space.”

You would say..

Everyday I would wake up early and take care of our child, I cooked, cleaned and did what a mother is expected to do and be.

I guess it still was not enough..

I had to spread my wings upon my shoulders and fly away from you one broken hot summer day. I left without a trace from the so-called perfect life you thought we built together.

My wings broken and torn I still took fight and caught the evening breeze that night. It guided me to love and life again and I could finally take a deep, refreshing and freeing breath .

I could see again what was on the other side.

I’m still mending from your lies and broken promises.

I had dreams we would stand at the alter. I let you take away my hope for a future or a simple life in a white dress and a crown of daisies placed around my head.

I walk down memory lane the other day and thought of you, but then I remember the person you truly are and the true colors of your broken soul and I make a U turn and avoid that black hole you call your soul.

I believed your lies when you said you were not like the other guys..

From the beginning because I’m gullible like that.

I trust someone until they give me a reason not to, stupid, I know.

Today I wake up and everyday I strive to be better.

Your walled up broken heart has only made my own heart beat stronger.

Instead of becoming harder I have become softer.

Instead I love deeper everyday and in every single way.

You have always asked why I have to make everything difficult..

Maybe I was born that way.

Maybe your right, but maybe, just maybe it’s because I care SO much that I try SO hard to make it right inside and out up and down and all around.

It’s just my style I guess. Mix it up and fuck it up and start again.

But that is me.

Love me as I am or watch me as I go

I have nothing more to show.

INSIDE

 

(A poem I preformed at open mic a few weeks ago processing my break up in Sept. 2017)

 

 

 

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