I woke up at 3am out of nowhere tonight…I mean this morning. Whatever you want to call it. I’ve been sleeping well lately. Who know’s. There must be a lot on my mind this morning. I’m feeling that emotional void inside of me resurfacing and I desperately need a shower. I know gross right. Plus the room I’m staying in was SUPER cold this morning.
So, what do I do when I can’t sleep, I write. My passion. Well, to be honest my one of many passions.
So much has changed in my personal life since I last wrote a blog. I went through a break up back in September, I had another emotional break down, a family member passed away, I became homeless, I lived in a shelter, I was taken in by family friends (by the grace of God) and I got back on different meds to help stabilize me. I totaled my car, I was told I was a bad and weak mother By a “friend” and was threatened to have my son taken a way from me, which I am now fighting for. I was kicked out and locked out, I found God in away I have never felt him before. I became a christian on 10/10/17 and I also accepted my gift that I communicate with heaven and the dead.
For the last 3 years since I had my son I have lost my shit every fall. This year it happened again. Hormones? maybe…
Probably a lot of things all coming to a head as well.
I love my son more then life it’s self. The fact that I don’t get to watch him sleep currently breaks my heart, but it only makes me fight harder for my son.
In the last few weeks I have been able to let go of SOME anger for things like, becoming homeless and not even having your so called “friends” offer you a place to stay. I couldn’t believe it. I called so many people reaching out for help and out of everyone there were TWO people. My dear friend who I won’t say his name to respect his privacy and a women I barely know. My dear friend slept on the floor and gave me his bed. THAT really made me look at my life and my friends and everything. I never felt so alone. Even my family…
Now that I look back on it, I can see that my emotions were something none of them could handle and I was pushing everyone a way with my anger. I took a look at the life I had built around me and the people I let into my life and become close to. Most of them, emotionally shut down people….
And the more I would be around them, the more I would flip out craving and begging for connection. Just simple emotional connection with no strings attached no conditions, just love!
That’s when I decided to make a vow to myself once and for all after my 3rd heartbreak: To love myself and seek out loving people, but first I must express love in my own life and heal the cuts that keep bleeding onto heartless (or what feels like) individuals who can’t be there for me in a way I need them to be.
I’ve already started making connections with people at my church and at meetings, but I do know that the most important connection I need to make is with myself and I can’t do that alone and I won’t do that alone this time. I even have people holding my hands and praying for me. I didn’t know I could have that before or even deserved it. I guess I had to lose everything to find myself and find true love.
I’ll never stop shinning my light.
P.S. You are invited to join my emotional wellness group on Facebook.